She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met
and became lovers in college. They broke up last year but
remained to be"friends." They send sweet text messages
and he calls her often to make sure she’s okay. They
still date. They still have sex. They don’t
see anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each other
but when asked about their situation, she doesn’t know the
real score. Even her friends are in the dark. "Parang sila,
pero hindi."

She works in a telecom. He is reviewing for the board.
They are in the same barkada. They talk
on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates, flowers
and CDs even when there is no occasion.

Their friends are suspecting something. Bakit sila
nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman? Why does he
hold her close on the dance floor?
Bakit sila magkaholding hands lagi? Sila kaya?
"He hasn’t admitted anything," she rants. "But I let him
hug and kiss me. Parang kami, pero hindi."

They work together in an ad agency. After office, they
would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at Glorietta.
She gave him Harry Potter books for his birthday in
exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex jealous.
They made out during the company outing in Subic and
never talked about it. He said "I love you" once but
she wasn’t sure if she heard him correctly because
they were both drunk then. But one thing she is sure
of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And she’s
assuming that with what he’s doing to her and with her,
he likes her, too. There’s just one
hitch: he has a girlfriend!

She is a 28-year-old virgin. He’s a 35-year-old bachelor.
Both mountaineers, they became close during their
climbs. After a few dates in posh restaurants, he brings
her to his condo where  they would make out.

They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe
that "sila na"but then she’s not really sure about it. "We don’t
talk about it but it doesn’t really matter," she’d tell her friends.
"What’s important is I am enjoying this — whatever it is."

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual
understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings.
Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where
the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers.
Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of
you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You
just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na
ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero
sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for
different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love
each other, and you want to be with each other but you
broke up for a reason.

And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna
magkabalikan.

It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong
nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya
kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi
puwedeng magingkayo kasi isa sa inyo –usually the guy
–may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break
doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman
niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para
nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na
kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro."

Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala
talagang kasiguraduhan. So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa
ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?

Iba’t ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan
kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang
wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.

For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think
that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It
would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.

Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships
din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they
couldn’t commit, because they were either committed to someone
else, or that they weren’t ready to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."

Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong
nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle
sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone,
mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message.
Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real
thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship,
the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang
babae lagi ang lugi.

Una, you can’t ask him to commit. Since it’s not really a
relationship, you can’t demand commitment from your partner.
Ano ba kayo?

May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be
uncertain about your role in his life. You can’t expect him to be
always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls,
you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can’t be
sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na
mahal karin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him,
you can’t. Because you’re not sure if he’ll like it. Baka mapahiya ka
lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the
relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have
invested all your emotions and this man hasn’t? What if you remain
faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out
that he is seeing other girls?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a
disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that
would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo
alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan.
Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and
me," hindi "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso,
hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-
relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong
pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what
you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in
another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.

Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then
you’d end up hurting yourself in the process.

Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na
hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling,
without thinking of the consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the
process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the
moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can
stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable
guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka.
Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil
tatadyakan kita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo.
Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang
kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually,
hanggang doon lang siya… almost, but not quite